The start of what i know will be a slow descent into hell

This is where i start my ramblings. More to the point, dear reader, this is the start of what i know will be agony over the next few months. You see, i am writing this for you as much as i am writing this for me, an account of why i do what i do. it will serve as a way for me to understand myself and define how i view relationships. A bit of context is needed for you to understand where i am coming from. For as far as i can remember, I have never had what you could even call true relationships. Love to me is this pristine concept in my head and, although i may have a warped concept of it, i am not yet at a point in my life where i am ready to change my view of it. From as far back as high school, i would always fall in love with those messed up women with dark pasts and issues that come with such a life. We've all this one person over the course of our lives that were equal parts amazing and amazingly messed up and this is where we find ourselves today. You see, I've met her what feels like ages ago when, in fact, it has only been a bit shy of 3 weeks. From the amount of time we have spent "together", be it in real life or just chatting online, those 3 weeks feel like forever. Not only have we talked well over 40-50 hours just chatting, i am also just back from a weekend with her and her family. This is how fast this is moving which, normally, wouldn't be something that scares me in the least, being the intense person that i am, but it is crazy intense what i feel inside me that is slowly coming to love her. I don't do things in half measures and it seems that no matter what, if i fall for someone, i fall hard and this is probably the reason nothing ever works out in the end. As much as i know how scary it can be for the other person, I have yet to find a way to control those feelings and bury them and not let them see the light of day. The worst part of all this is that she actually told me she would break me, that this is what she does. I have to admit, based on what i know of her so far, it does not surprise me in the slightest. She is the kind of girl who has about a million guys around her all the time trying to get in her pants or, in some cases, trying to get serious with her. There was this quote from a Chris Rock show that runs around my head all the time: A person is only as faithful as her options. It definetly applies here i am sure. But she is trying, and i can see it, which is why i'm still around. Our arrangement is ok for now as i am able to keep things seperate but there will come a time when that will no longer be the case and i suppose all this is a reminder that i will have to break it off lest i hurt myself again. And on the subject, this is where she is wrong. I am going in this with eyes wide open, therefore only 1 person can hurt me and it is me. I will fucking hate myself for it later but i'm determined to enjoy this hellish ride. You can't blame the fire for burning you as it is in its nature to do so.